Twenty-something and five
i feel i am like a litte girl now. most of the time i am home, and mommy is feeding me well. i don't really have to do anything
complicated, or deal with things by myself one of the sudden. just these days i realized that i start to speak like a little girl, eating
like a little girl, and live like a little girl. the way i talk to mommy is exactly the same as i did when was like 5. hmmm...
interesting experience. i just reduced my age from 20 to 5. isn't that a great thing
i can still find some proves that i have lived in the world for just slightly more then 20 years. right now, i am cleaning my
room and as you know, i am those kind of person who like to keep things just for memory. that's a good and bad habit and the
worse is that i kind of have to clean up my drawer to store some more of my memories.
hmmm, there are: report card from gr. 1 to like gr. 10; diary i have when i was in gr.7; the picture of the guy that i interested
in when i was in gr.8; ticket of a museum i visited when i was in gr.9; first band concert invitation in gr.10; flight ticket recipe
for the first time i visit Victoria( I didn't know that trip would change my life); little postcard i took when i went to Star bucks the
first time; little note for apology for being late from the guy that i first dated; hmmm, thought after the first porn i watched; first
phone bill that i paid myself; copy of the card of the first gift that i brought for someone manful; copy of the first love letter i
wrote; tape recording of my first formal band concert; Christmas card from a friend like 7 years ago...
and i was reading the comment i wrote about other people a long long time ago before i got to know them. and all those
word that some other people used to say, and all those " i will never..." when i was younger.
i guess those are the components that constructed the 20 year old MARSHA.
i read a forwarded email called "being twenty-something". it really touched me.
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't
know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know
where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly
the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as u.
You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job
and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because
suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone
and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that
the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder
why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone
else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you
cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself.....
And while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
and maybe that's it. being twenty-something isn't the same as just being a 5 year old baby. there aren't always mommy to feed
me well. and what exactly changed? i guess that called TIME.
but there is always something that won't change right?